The grass is always greener....

He isn't even deployed yet but we might as well be in deployment mode now. With the ship being underway more days than not, we are going to be on our own quite a bit from here on out (until after deployment). So we may as well suck it up and get used to it now.

I don't consider myself a weak person. Actually, I consider myself quite a strong person. Unfortunately, even the strong have breakdowns every now and again. The day that Kevin left for this underway was pretty bad. I was already in a state of funk and then seeing him leave again didn't sit well with me. The day after wasn't much better. I cried almost all day, on and off. I felt every range of emotion. I felt sad because I missed him, I felt frustrated because the kids were being especially needy and all I needed was 5 minutes to myself to think things through, I felt happy because I still support my husband and feel so proud of him even when I'm feeling down and when it is hard, I felt resentful because I was the one home, alone, taking care of the kids all by myself. There, I said it....resentful. Is that bad? Does anyone else ever feel that way when their husbands are gone? It almost makes me feel guilty. But I can't help the way I feel. Sometimes I am jealous because he is the one who gets to be miles away, can sleep without a baby monitor next to him, without one kid or another waking him up multiple times a night. Because he isn't the one cooking meals, cleaning up, only to have food thrown at him and everything you cleaned up a mess again in 10 minutes. He isn't the one acting as referee all day, calming the 4 year old when the 1 year old is pinching her or following her around. He isn't the one trying to get the 1 year old off the godforsaken boob (enough already!). It is hard work-this single parent thing while Daddy is at sea. But then I have to take a step back sometimes and realize that I don't, can't, and never will understand what it is like for him. I can only imagine. And i think sometimes I don't take that into consideration as much as I should. Maybe sometimes I don't give him enough credit. I don't know what it is like to be miles away from home, away from my family. I don't know what it is like to sleep without a baby monitor next to me (at least I get to see my children every day, and I should be thankful for that). I don't know what it is like to sleep in a small, uncomfortable rack. And I'm sure he has to play referee at times...just not with children. So both ends have their ups and downs, perks and fall backs. The grass is always greener. So maybe I should spend less time being resentful and more time being understanding and being thankful that I am married to my best friend. Thankful that I have someone to miss at all. I love him with all of my heart and soul and wouldn't have it any other way.

If I have to face deployment, I am SO thankful that I have to do it here in sunny San Diego!! I absolutely LOVE it here! Always sunny, perfect weather, much to do. It is gorgeous. I grew up on the East Coast so this is definitely a change of pace for me.

When I came to California, I knew I would love the atmosphere, the scenery....but I had no idea how good of friends I would find. These girls (my DIVAS) are my angels! I don't know what I would do without them, really. They have been here for me 100% when I need them. I am so lucky! My friend Angie came over today to watch the girls for me just to give me a break. I went and saw The Help (which was a great movie BTW). It really meant so much to me for her to take a few hours out of her day to help me out....for my sanity! Thank you Angie!! All of my friends have been amazing and I thank my lucky stars for them every.single.day!

Well, I am going to relax for a few minutes before bed...while both girls are still asleep! Lily has been waking up for a midnight snack. Apparently she has not gotten the memo that this is NOT a 24 hour buffet!

Goodnight!