The person I want to be...

When Kevin left on his last underway I found myself having a lot of anxiety and was completely overwhelmed. I have been thinking about making an appointment to see a Psychiatrist for a while now but have just been too nervous about it I guess. I don't have a way with words. Especially when I am nervous, I stumble over my words and can never get out what I want to get out. Well this last underway made me realize that if I don't get the way I feel under control now, while Kevin is still here, then come time for deployment I am going to have a nervous breakdown or something (for real!).

So i made the call, nervously, to make the appointment.

Last night was my appointment. Sitting in the waiting room to be called back I was shaking like a leaf. There were so many things going on in my head and I kept obsessing over the question that they would ask me "So, what brings you here today, Kristen?". I was trying to figure out exactly what I was going to say, because really I just wanted to talk about EVERYTHING. I just didn't know how I would get it all out. So finally I came up with this response- "Well, we are a military family and my husband is getting ready for deployment so i've been having a lot of anxiety over that. It is stressful."

I figured I would just focus on that for now, the whole "It's stressful being a single parents most of the time" thing. I wouldn't even go into my other issues.

So, I went in, sat down....still shaking horribly. I am sure he could see the terror on my face. I wanted to shut down! I wanted to run out of there! Then he asked me what i knew he would, "So, what brings you in today, Kristen?" And I rattled off my prerehearsed response about being a stressed out military wife whose husband was about to sail off into ocean for months.

Honestly, I thought he would look at me and say something like "Um, yeah, you have 2 kids, your husband is gone, of course it is stressful. It's hard, get over it". Maybe not in so many words but something like that. I guess I just thought that I wasn't cut out to be a super mom. I don't think I am a horrible mom, but i'm nowhere near perfect (i don't think anyone is).

To my suprise, seeing this Psychiatrist was like seeing a Psychic!!!

He started asking me all of these questions...i can't even remember half of them.

"Do you pick your scabs?"
"Do you pick your nails?"
"How did you do in school growing up?"
"Do you get really frustrated when you cannot get out of the door on time?
"Do people say you talk really fast?"
"When you read a book do you have to read it more than once to understand it?"

I noticed he started asking me a lot of similar questions.

Now that I am trying to remember, I can't lol.

Anyways, my final diagnosis....ADD, OCD, and depression.

I wrote this down on my Iphone yesterday when I was playing with the kids... " Conflict between who I am and who I want to be"....

And he pretty much hit the nail on the head!! In my MIND I desperately want to be the type of mother and wife who always has dinner on the table at 6, whose kitchen isn't piled with dishes, whose laundry hasn't taken over the house. I want to be able to sit down with my kids to do an art project without thinking about a million different things that need to get done, i want to finish things I start, i want to follow through. I want everything to have a place. I strive for perfectionism but I can't accomplish anything. There are so many things to do, i don't know where to start. Or i do start, and then get sidetracked and forget what i was doing in the first place. It is extremely frustrating. I have lists all over the house that I have started but then forget about them.

So basically my ADD is battling my OCD. Crazy! Who has ever SMILED being diagnosed with something like this? Well, I smiled. I smiled because it doesn't have to be like this anymore. I smiled because maybe once I start on the ADD meds that I will actually have productive days and not sit here at the end of the day looking around the house saying "ugh, what a waste of a day!"

My stress levels are soaring because my house is a disaster, there is no schedule around here no matter how much i strive for one.....I am just overwhelmed with everything. But now I know it can be different. That is comforting.

Apparently I have had the ADD since I was a kid and was just never diagnosed. I keep wondering if I had been diagnosed how things may have been different. I was always a horrible student.

I've been taking a low dose of Zoloft for a few months now because of Postpartum Depression. So, he doubled my dosage and we are seeing how I handle that for 3 weeks. Then I will see him again and start taking another medication for ADD. I have to admit I am very excited to see how it changes my day to day life.....

Maybe then I can be the person I want to be!

The "list"

Holy Moly!! A mid-day post!! Getting on the main computer in broad daylight is a rarity around here!! I figured I would try and take advantage of the few quiet minutes I have while the little monster (AKA Lily) is napping in her crib and the big monster (AKA Kaylee) is watching Alice and Wonderland in my bed upstairs.

As another big underway is almost upon us, i've been thinking about "the list".

What is the list? You guys know...."the list" is all the things you think you are going to accomplish while your spouse is deployed. What is on my list you ask? Hmm....well, I haven't thought about it TOO much but things off the top of my head are:

1. NOT HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!! (Yes, this is at the top of my list, ha! Is this a realistic expectation of myself? Probably not. I will almost definitely have a nervous breakdown at one point or another, but hey, are girl can hope right?)



2. Redo Kaylee's room. Make it more "big girlish". Same with Lily's probably. I hate how small her room is in this house. I so miss the beautiful nursery we created for her in Texas. Everything was pink and brown and just perfect. We rent here so we aren't painting any walls. So along with this item on the list, i'de like to be able to put the toddler bed together if need be. I am not so handy with the tools though, so we will see.



3. Start a small garden with the girls. Kaylee asked me the other day if we can have a garden. Who am I to deny her that? I should warn her though, Mommy does not have a green thumb. I cannot keep anything alive. Well, I take that back. There is one plant that someone gave me when we moved to Texas, I have no idea what kind it is, but i call it the "Miracle Plant". You CANNOT kill the thing! I have gone MONTHS without watering it. Then I get the itch again and give it some water and wa-la! It grows! It looks like a clover.



4. Find a way to become organized. (Ugh, don't get me started on this one!)



5. Get Lily into some sort of tumbling class.
   

I am sure I will come up with many, many more. I guess I am sort of holding out. I do have more in my head, but they are probably unrealistic. I am trying not to set my expectations too high......

I will have to finish this later....sleepy head just woke up screaming her little head off.

Well, it is HOURS later!! So, I guess my mid-day post turned into a nighttime post.

Anyways, I am trying not to set my expectations to high for the deployment. My main goal is to just stay sane, not have any severe nervous breakdowns, and just survive the life of a single mama with two kiddos. I also would like to see more of what San Diego has to offer....to really experience the city before it is time for us to leave. I want to hike, I want to go on ocean tours, I want to see more of Balboa Park, I want to go to the ocean (that's right....we still have not been to the beach here).

We love him. We miss him desperately when he is gone. We are strong. We will get through this. We are going to live our lives with or without him here.

I have to keep telling myself this every day.

The grass is always greener....

He isn't even deployed yet but we might as well be in deployment mode now. With the ship being underway more days than not, we are going to be on our own quite a bit from here on out (until after deployment). So we may as well suck it up and get used to it now.

I don't consider myself a weak person. Actually, I consider myself quite a strong person. Unfortunately, even the strong have breakdowns every now and again. The day that Kevin left for this underway was pretty bad. I was already in a state of funk and then seeing him leave again didn't sit well with me. The day after wasn't much better. I cried almost all day, on and off. I felt every range of emotion. I felt sad because I missed him, I felt frustrated because the kids were being especially needy and all I needed was 5 minutes to myself to think things through, I felt happy because I still support my husband and feel so proud of him even when I'm feeling down and when it is hard, I felt resentful because I was the one home, alone, taking care of the kids all by myself. There, I said it....resentful. Is that bad? Does anyone else ever feel that way when their husbands are gone? It almost makes me feel guilty. But I can't help the way I feel. Sometimes I am jealous because he is the one who gets to be miles away, can sleep without a baby monitor next to him, without one kid or another waking him up multiple times a night. Because he isn't the one cooking meals, cleaning up, only to have food thrown at him and everything you cleaned up a mess again in 10 minutes. He isn't the one acting as referee all day, calming the 4 year old when the 1 year old is pinching her or following her around. He isn't the one trying to get the 1 year old off the godforsaken boob (enough already!). It is hard work-this single parent thing while Daddy is at sea. But then I have to take a step back sometimes and realize that I don't, can't, and never will understand what it is like for him. I can only imagine. And i think sometimes I don't take that into consideration as much as I should. Maybe sometimes I don't give him enough credit. I don't know what it is like to be miles away from home, away from my family. I don't know what it is like to sleep without a baby monitor next to me (at least I get to see my children every day, and I should be thankful for that). I don't know what it is like to sleep in a small, uncomfortable rack. And I'm sure he has to play referee at times...just not with children. So both ends have their ups and downs, perks and fall backs. The grass is always greener. So maybe I should spend less time being resentful and more time being understanding and being thankful that I am married to my best friend. Thankful that I have someone to miss at all. I love him with all of my heart and soul and wouldn't have it any other way.

If I have to face deployment, I am SO thankful that I have to do it here in sunny San Diego!! I absolutely LOVE it here! Always sunny, perfect weather, much to do. It is gorgeous. I grew up on the East Coast so this is definitely a change of pace for me.

When I came to California, I knew I would love the atmosphere, the scenery....but I had no idea how good of friends I would find. These girls (my DIVAS) are my angels! I don't know what I would do without them, really. They have been here for me 100% when I need them. I am so lucky! My friend Angie came over today to watch the girls for me just to give me a break. I went and saw The Help (which was a great movie BTW). It really meant so much to me for her to take a few hours out of her day to help me out....for my sanity! Thank you Angie!! All of my friends have been amazing and I thank my lucky stars for them every.single.day!

Well, I am going to relax for a few minutes before bed...while both girls are still asleep! Lily has been waking up for a midnight snack. Apparently she has not gotten the memo that this is NOT a 24 hour buffet!

Goodnight!

Hello, Goodbye!

Today was a not so happy Navy day!

So, Kevin was in PA visiting his sick Grammy for a week and we missed him terribly. We picked him up from the airport last night around 10:00. Kaylee and Lily both fell asleep in the car before we even made it to the airport. His ship is currently underway and has been for the last week. They still have another week to go. So of course they wanted to fly him out to meet the ship so he didn't miss any more work. Lots to be done so close to deployment! I was hoping we would have atleast 1 day together before they flew him out but knew there was a slim chance of that happening! Last night when we went to bed he still hadn't heard anything as to when he was heading out. This morning they emailed him and told him there were no flight ops today and that a chopper would take him out on Wednesday. We were SO excited! Woohoo!!! A whole day together! The possibilities seemed endless! Doesn't that sound so silly? The only good thing about him being away is that it gives me the opportunity to miss him and be so thankful for the time we do have together. I also wanted to squeeze in a trip to the nail salon to get a pedicure (much needed, trust me!). So we picked up a few things at Walmart (geez we seem so lame!! lol) and then it was time to pick up Kaylee from school. We decided we were going to take her out to lunch afterwards. So, we are waiting for her to finish up in class when Kevin gets the phone call. I always dread him getting phone calls. I'm always afraid someone is going to call him away from us. And that is exactly what they did. They told him to be at the flight terminal on base at 15:00. Ahh! That left us 2 hours! So now everyone was stressed out and rushed for time. I hate that we were so excited and then it was taken away. I guess I should just be thankful for the time we do get to spend together and not dwell on the time we don't get to spend together. I am so thankful that Kaylee always seems to be so understanding of what is going on. She gets the fact that Daddy sleeps on the ship sometimes and they go out into the middle of the ocean to train. She understands that Daddy leaves a lot but always comes home to us. But what scares me is the deployment. How is she going to handle it? It just breaks my heart a little, ya know? She is and has always been Daddy's Little Girl. Those two are best buds. It is going to really hurt to see the pain in her eyes when he doesn't come home for months. I am trying not to have a pity party for myself tonight but hell, sometimes I girl has got to just cry and feel sorry for myself and that is exactly what I am going to do tonight. No shame! But tomorrow is a new day and we must go on with our lives.

I love us <3

Us being silly :)

Ok to completely change topics (this should be a seperate post)....

As if my day wasn't crappy enough, today is TUESDAY and ya know what that means?? No? It is Weight Watcher meeting day! Once upon a time I would be SOOO excited for Tuesday nights to see how all of my hard work paid off. But lately, not so much. I have been indulging a little too much in fast food, chocolate, late night binging..... It's HORRIBLE and has gotten out of hand. I have definitely been doing a lot of emotional eating, which i hate! And I wish I could just STOP! I guess i feel like it is my outlet. Like, the whole day I am surrounded by kids talking, asking questions, pulling, climbing, jumping on me....and at the end of the night when they are both in bed, I somehow feel it is a free for all.

So, last week I LOST 2 pounds. No idea how that happened. Not I am convinced it must have been a mistake. Or maybe I just peed a lot before the meeting lol.

This week, GAINED 3 pounds!?!? 3 pounds?!?!?! Holy shmowly! Reality check! I need to get back on track, back to the place where i could taste the success. I really love love love Weight Watchers. I love how it feels like a game to track your daily points plus. I love how you never really feel deprived. There is no forbidden food. Everything in moderation. It's a great program and it WORKS!! This week was the worst i've done since I started last November. Most weeks, even when i feel like I am going to really tip the scale, I end up doing way better than i anticipated because the program is so engraved into my head now. Even when I am not tracking my points on paper, I guess I do some mental tracking. I really do NOT want to spend this deployment trying to lose weight. I want to go into this deployment in the best shape of my life, I want to spend this deployment scoping out all of what San Diego has to offer so that I can share it with my husband when he returns. I want to be in great shape so I can be a better, more alert, more active, more motivated Mommy. So, I think I will start posting about my weight loss journey on Tuesday nights after meeting. I will share recipes, work outs I am doing (hopefully there will be some! HA!), etc.

Hope everyone had a better day than I had....hey, I know it could always be worse! Tomorrow is a brand new day!

Goodbye again :(

Have a Happy Navy Day!!

Kristen

ADD much?

Hello fellow bloggers :) I have been neglecting writing any posts the past few days because, well, my blog is currently "ugly"...and soon it will be "beautiful!!" :) My friend Sharla is uber creative and she has a design business called Posh Peony Designs. She is designing my blog!! Woohoo!!! So, stay tuned...for now I am just blogging about my days and things that come to mind. Once I figure out how all of this stuff works I will be posting pictures, talking about sites that I love and live by, sharing recipes, and posting projects that i will be working on (and FINISHING!!).

Have you wondered why my blog is called "The Finish Line"? Well, before I decided that the theme of this blog was going to be about my big fat Navy adventure (hmm...that would have actually been a good name), i created a blog with the intentions of writing about all the things that I say I am going to do and never do. And what do ya know....the blog was once of them!!!! Man did i feel dumb!

I actually think I may have adult ADD or something. My mind is constantly going off on tangents. I can't stand it. I always have all of these great ideas in my head but can't find a way to organize them. It makes cleaning my house a nightmare! I can never stay focused on one thing. I go to clean the bathroom but find something that needs to go upstairs, so i take the item upstairs , put it away but see that there are clothes on the floor in the kid's room, so i take the clothes to the laundry room, then remember i need to start laundry, then realize i never put the washed clothes into the dryer from yesterday........and it never ends!! I got so distracted by everything else that i forgot what i was cleaning in the first place. Does this happen to anyone else? It happens to me every day and i hate it.

So, Kevin was suppose to be underway for a couple weeks this month but instead he is in Pennsylvania visiting his sick Grammy. Grammy B fell and hit her head (we think) earlier on in the week and they found a hematoma on her brain. Basically, her brain is bleeding. So, they did a craniotomy on her a couple of days ago. I don't think anyone really expected her to make it out of surgery. They gave her a 30% chance of surviving the surgery because they thought her brain many be too swollen to close it back up. Well, Grammy beat the odds and made it out of surgery!! :) But now it is a waiting game and no one really knows what is going to happen. Kevin is in PA with his parents, sister, and brother-in-law. I am so glad that he was able to make it. The last thing I want for him is to have regret that he was unable to see Grammy one last time. Regret is a horrible feeling. I regret not calling both of my Grandma and Grandpa when they were very ill. I think I am just really bad at phone conversations in general and especially in those situations where I don't know what to say really. So, i didn't call. It was just easier for me that way. And now, i feel bad for being selfish and not showing them how much i cared. So, anyways, i'm glad Kevin is there, even if Grammy cannot show that she knows who he is, i have faith that somehow, in some way, that she knows he is there and that he cares and loves her very much.

So, i am alone with the kids this week. Going to have to get used to this....this will how life is for quite some time now. We miss Daddy! Proud of him every.single.day!

<3Our hero in Kuwait last deployment <3

The Finish Line

Taking Charge

When you are a military family, you tend to accumulate a lot of stuff. When it comes time to move again people usually take that opportunity to purge a lot of stuff that they no longer need or want. Well, when we left Corpus last year we definitely didn't seize that opportunity. We dragged all of our unneeded crap (for lack of a better term) here with us. Guess what that means? Yes, ma'am! It is time to get our garage sale on!! Ok, so i am a little giddy because I have never had a "grown up" garage sale before. The only garage sale that I remember having in my lifetime (that i played a part in anyways) was with my childhood friend Jackie. We really brought in the big bucks selling all of our audio cassette tapes....probably a whopping twenty dollars, if that! But I remember having fun setting it all up and having people give us their hard earned cash for our crap. Ha! So now in my big girl, grown up garage sale, we are getting rid of all of the baby items and way outgrown out of clothes of the girls, and a bunch of random things like printers and microwaves and such.

Of course this means that Kevin is not around to help me tag, price, and organize items this week. Go figure. They seem to always be gone when you need 'em! But that's okay...time to get my big girl pants on and hold down the fort!

It will be fun to do this as a family :) Bonding through garage-saling....love it!

On another note, i have decided that I am going to cancel my LA Fitness membership. But have no fear!! I will be joining the YMCA!! Today I took Kaylee to a kids fitness class at YMCA called Bouncing Buddies. She had a blast! I'de say $2 for 45 minutes or pure kid exhaustion was well worth it!! Kaylee could barely walk outta that place! Ha! It was extremely family friendly and that is the main reason why I am making the switch. I have been hesitant about taking the girls to the kids club at LA Fitness, mostly because of Lily and her stranger anxiety. She is starting to get over it but LA Fitness is pretty big and I just feel so far away from her and would worry the whole time. I think I would feel better about having them in the kids zone at the Y. Another motivating factor is getting discounts on all of the activities (gymnastics, swim lessons, these kids fitness classes). So overall i would be saving money, which is always a plus!

It's a lonely night here for this Navy Wife! So I think i will pay bills and hit the hay! Don't feel too bad for me though...I already induldged in an overly dramatic finale of the Bachelorette and wayyyy too many chips and dip....and a chocolate.....ugh. Another reason to hate him being away....eating to fill the holes!!